The Eggplant Experience
by writingmom
Summary: After a session with Commander McCool, Mac sees the light and decides to take action! Lame title, I know.


"This isn't the way that I pictured my life turning out." Mac paced back and forth in Commander McCool's office, slapping her hat against her leg as she walked.

"Oh? And why not?"

"Because I'm alone. I'm not happy, that's why."

"But you have your career, and you said that you didn't need a man to make you happy."

Mac shot her a glare. "That's not what I said."

"Then why don't you clarify."

Mac placed her hand on her hip and shook her head in frustration. "I'm tired of talking."

"You've only been here twenty minutes."

"Are you always this frustrating or is it just me?"

"You came here, Colonel, remember?"

"Yeah, because I can't sleep!"

"Is that the only reason?" Commander McCool sat behind her desk, studying the movements and intonations of her guest.

"Yes!" There was a pause. "No." She hung her head and looked down at the hat in her hands. "I don't know what to do anymore. I've always been in control." She walked over to the window and looked out at the orange-red sky.

"You lost control?"

"Not exactly. I made a mistake and I for the first time in my life I don't think I can fix it."

"Does this have to do with Harm? You've mentioned him a couple of times."

"You're good." She smirked, still staring out the window. "I can see why they gave you a degree."

"Are you always sarcastic?"

"No, Commander. I'm not." She let out a sigh. "I'm sorry. I guess I feel cornered."

"By me?"

"No. In life."

"How so?"

"I found out…that I may not be able to have children."

"I'm sorry to hear that. How are you handling it?"

"Not very well. I just found out last week." She folded her arms across her chest and leaned against the wall. "I'm hurt. I'm angry."

"That's understandable. Is Harm able to offer you support?"

Harm. Support. Yes, he had offered, and yes she had pushed him away yet again. She pinched the bridge of her nose and shook her head. "He tried, as usual. And as usual…I pushed him away."

"How come?"

"I don't know. It was too much, too soon. I had only recently found out about Clay and there was Harm, offering to do whatever it took. I guess I wasn't done processing it myself and there he was…"

"Colonel, may I ask you something?" Mac nodded. "Think about the last year of your life, only I want you to trade places with Harm in your mind. He is you and you are him. Now, think about how you would feel, what you would do if you saw him in the same circumstances that you have recently found yourself in. How would you react?"

A look of sudden realization slowly crept across Mac's face. She stood silent for several minutes, temporarily taken out of her surroundings and in to a place in her mind that she had never before gone. A single tear slid down her cheek. "I—I would have done everything that he's done."

"And why is that Colonel?" Commander McCool leaned forward in her chair and pulled the tiny gold chain on her desk lamp. She knew that the session was almost over.

It was a whisper, but she heard it nonetheless. "Because I love him." Mac's fingers gently covered her lips in an effort to keep them from quivering. "I love him." She repeated to no one in particular. 

She took one look at Commander McCool. "Thank you." She smiled. She walked over to the couch and grabbed her purse and keys. "_Thank_ you."

Mac couldn't dial her cell phone fast enough. "Rabb." She had never been so happy to hear his voice. 

"Hey, Harm. It's me. I was wondering if you'd be able to grab some dinner tonight. My treat?"

He hesitated, but it was uncharacteristic for Mac to be so bold, especially lately. He couldn't wait to say yes, but knew that he should remain cautious. "Uh…what time were you thinking?"

"I don't care. Whenever you're free. I was thinking about gong to Irea's."

"That sounds nice, Mac. I need to finish a few things up here and then I'll be home."

She smiled for the first time in weeks, and he could hear it in her voice. "Great! Is two hours enough time? I'll try to get reservations."

"Um, yeah. Yeah. That should be fine. I'll see you then." He hung up the phone and sat in his chair staring out into the bullpen. He had no idea what Mac was up to, but a warm feeling came over him that he hadn't felt in a very long time.

ONE HOUR, FIFTY-FIVE MINUTES LATER

"I'm coming!" He yelled as he stepped down from his bedroom to answer the door. He was still tucking the back of his shirt in with one hand as he pulled the door open with the other. "Always the prompt Mar—" He was at a loss for words when he saw her.

Mac stood in the hallway wearing a simple yet elegant chocolate colored halter dress. Her hair was down and slightly curled and she wore small diamond studs in her ears. He tried not to focus on them, wondering if they were from Webb. He pushed the thought out of his mind. "Mac, you look great. Come on in." He smiled.

"Thank you. You clean up pretty nice yourself, Sailor." She smiled and the happiness that he thought he heard on the phone was evident by the expression on her face. Her smile went all the way up to her eyes and it warmed his heart to see the change.

"I'm ready if you are."

"Great. Let's go."

The two made small talk on the way to the restaurant. They talked about work, but it was not awkward. The fact that they were able to maintain such a level of comfort around one another was a testament to their deep devotion. Despite all of the ups and downs that life had placed in their path, the two remained full of respect for the other.

The hostess sat them at a quiet table in the corner near the window. "Wow. How did you get this table?" Harm asked as he pulled out her chair.

"I don't know. They don't look very busy tonight. I think the Jazz Festival is still going on." 

"All the better for us." He smiled.

She placed the white cloth napkin on her lap and looked over the menu. "Have you ever had their eggplant parmigiana?" She asked.

"No, I haven't, but I was thinking about the same thing. I wonder if it has a lot of breading."

"Is there any other way to eat eggplant?" She joked as she lifted the glass of ice water for a drink.

"Why yes, actually there is." He smiled. 

The waitress introduced herself as Anita and cheerfully described the specials for the evening. She took their orders and finally walked away. Mac knew that the conversation would likely shift. She didn't have a clue how the evening would turn out, but the fact that she was going to be honest with Harm—and herself—gave her a sense that it would all be okay, no matter what happened.

"Mac, I don't mean to spoil the mood or anything, but you seem really…happy." She smiled. "Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, but why the sudden shift in your mood? I mean, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to." 

Ever the gentleman. He wanted to know what she was thinking, but he had been pushed away so many times that he knew to add the disclaimer at the end.

"I am happy, Harm. And you don't have to shy away from the question. I asked you here tonight because I _want_ to talk." He raised his eyebrows and leaned forward in his seat. "I don't know how much you want me to share, but I'm willing to put it all out there for you. No more avoiding you." She looked directly at him and found no sign of apprehension.

"Go on." He nodded.

"Well, today I ended up in Commander McCool's office."

"Really?"

"Really."

"And how did it go? I mean, I thought you were hesitant about talking to anyone…"

"I was. And at first, I was angry. I went there hoping that she could give me something to help me sleep. I ended up staying and in the process…came to realize a few things."

The waitress sat their salad plates in front of them. Mac lifted her fork and stabbed a piece of lettuce.

"Is it anything that you would like to share with me?"

"Yes, actually, it is." Her mood grew more serious and she set her fork back down beside the plate. For a split second, he was worried. She had been through so much lately; any number of options ran through his mind and he hoped that none of them involved her leaving.

"Harm, I don't know how this is going to resonate with you, but I feel like I need to just put it out there. If you don't like it or have a problem with anything that I say…well, you need to know that I completely understand."

"Mac, you're starting to scare me." He suddenly lost interest in his salad.

"It's nothing to be scared about. I don't think, anyway." She smoothed the tablecloth in front of her with her fingers and took a deep breath before beginning.

"First and foremost, I owe you a very deep and heartfelt apology." He looked confused. "Beginning with Paraguay." He looked away and then down at his lap. The subject had been pushed to the side since his return to JAG. It was a painful one for him, and he wasn't sure that he wanted to revisit it all.

"You gave up your job to find me, and risked your life to save me." She paused. "I know that it's long overdue, but I want…I need to thank you." She could feel the moisture forming in her eyes. The emotion of it all came flooding immediately back; the regret, the danger, the pain.

"Mac, that's all behind us now. I don't want to dwell in the past." He was silently grateful and overwhelmed by her admission. He didn't go there looking for thanks, but the way that it played out and the way that it ended up…it felt good to hear the words.

"I know it. And I don't either. But I can't move forward until I make peace with the past, and Paraguay is a large part of that." She smiled a small smile. "The rest of what I have to say is about you and me."

"Uh-oh." He smiled nervously.

"Yeah, uh-oh is right. You might be here awhile." She laughed. The nervousness had yet to take over. She felt strangely confident tonight and nothing was going to get in her way. "No, really. If at any point you want to cut me off and tell me to put a lid on it, I understand."

"Not going to happen." He finally took a bite of his salad, signaling that he was once again feeling at ease.

"Okay then. Here I go." She let out a long sigh, eliciting a laugh from both of them. "This is new territory for me, you know. I need all the help I can get." 

"You don't have to worry, Mac. It's just me." He smiled and was about to take another bite of his salad when he caught her looking at him in a never before seen manner. Such a simple statement, and yet it had somehow triggered a strong emotion.

"That's just it, Harm. It's you. Just you." 

He thought that he was going to choke on a crouton. What she said and what he heard couldn't possibly be the same. His eyes widened and she couldn't help but giggle at the sight before her, realizing what must be going through his mind. 

"Before you start to suffocate, I need to explain myself. Remember, I warned you that I was ready to talk." She smiled again and he couldn't get enough of it. "You and I have been friends for so long that I have grown dependent on you. I never wanted to admit it before, but I have. I am. I need you in my life, Harm, and I'm finally realizing that instead of pushing you away, I need to be thankful. You and I—we've been through so much together. And I've done a lot of pushing away."

She summoned up all of the courage that she had and lifted her hands from her lap, reaching for his and drawing them to her. Her small hands felt warm in his; perfect, even. At the Admiral's dining out he had taken her hands in his and it felt as natural then as it did now. He welcomed the touch and began stroking his thumbs over her knuckles, a non-verbal urging for her to continue.

"I know that I don't have the right to ask you for anything. You need to understand that. If you don't hear anything else that I've said tonight, then I want you to understand that." She squeezed his hands. "I want more of you in my life, Harm. I do." The tears began to form again in her eyes but she willed them at bay. Harm's own eyes grew large at the admission and he tried to contain his joy.

"If I could go back and do things differently—well, the last year wouldn't have happened."

"Mac—"

"Harm, let me finish. This is important. When I'm done, if you want to yell or scream or leave, then I understand. But please, let me finish." 

He nodded. "When I found out that I might not be able to—" She pulled one hand away to wipe the lone tear that had made its escape. He covered her hand with both of his, squeezing them and rubbing them lightly with his fingers. "As I've been processing my anger about the diagnosis, something has occurred to me. In fact, it sort of hit me today like a flash of lightning."

Another tear fell and then another. He hated to see her cry, especially about this. She hadn't opened up to him about it yet and he had been wondering what was going through her mind.

"What is it, Mac? Tell me. Anything."

"Well in a weird way, I've been so distant and so angry because this felt like an official 'rejected' stamp across the one dream that I have held on to so tightly for years. I've never allowed myself to find happiness, always assuming that I didn't deserve it or whatever. But deep down, I had hope. I clung to it, even. I allowed myself to dream and to dream big."

"Go on."

"I wanted to have a family with you, Harm. I wanted to be the mother of your children one day. I never realized how much that dream was a part of my life until…until I lost it."

"You haven't lost it, Mac. Sarah, listen to me. The dream of one day becoming a family? I have it too. You know that. I've never lost sight of it. Sure, the last year had me a little worried, but somehow I knew that we would find our way back to one another. And if you're saying what I think you're saying tonight, then—"

"Eggplant parmigiana?" The waitress interrupted, holding two hot plates in her hands. Harm shot her a look that said "Not now." And she dutifully complied.

"Right." She said. "I'll check back in a few minutes." She turned and walked away.

"It's like I told you at the dining out. The only thing that matters to me is that we have a family together. I don't care how that happens."

Suddenly the weight of her emotions took over. He was still here, still interested. She couldn't believe that their timing may actually be in sync. She smiled and cried at the same time.

"I have to know, Mac. What you said just now, tonight; are you telling me that you want a relationship with me?" His face was etched with hope, anticipation, but something in his eyes revealed a little boy afraid to be hurt once more. Mac couldn't stand to see even a hint of pain.

She wiped the remaining tears from her eyes and placed her hands both carefully back in his. "What I'm saying, Harm, is that I love you." He gasped audibly in response. It was as though the curse had been lifted; the weight of their missed opportunities and bad timing was gone. "And yes, if you'll still have me…I want you. All of you." She smiled again, and it was bigger than any smile he'd ever seen her wear before. Before he could think rationally, he was out of his chair and pulling her across the table to meet him.

He grabbed the back of her neck and covered her mouth with his, furiously kissing the lips that he had longed for for years. She returned his affection for all it was worth and more; desperately affirming their love.

Neither wanted to break the kiss, but they were soon reminded of their surroundings when the waitress approached them once more. She cleared her throat before speaking. "Eggplant parmigiana?"

Harm and Mac didn't take their eyes off of one another. Instead, they smiled and wrapped their fingers together, holding tight.

"I think we'll need a box." Harm smiled, and leaned in for another mind-numbing kiss.

As they walked to the car, they found that they couldn't take their hands off of each other. In a matter of minutes they had buried the past and committed to a new beginning; a decision that although had been nine years in the making, took only a few seconds to affirm.

He pulled her close, making it difficult for them to walk in a straight line together. Every few feet they would stop and he would cup her face in his hands and continue kissing her senseless where he had left off only moments before.

She moaned with approval, finding it challenging at times to return his kisses with such a large grin on her face. 

When they reached the car, he leaned against it and pulled her to him in one quick motion. "Say it again." His face was smiling but his eyes were dark.

She sauntered up to him until their bodies were flush against the car. "I love you Harmon Rabb." Her voice was low and sultry and he knew that this woman would be his emotional and physical undoing.

"I love you too Sarah. So damn much it hurts." He whispered breathlessly, nipping at her swelling lips and hungrily asking for more. She complied in full, pulling his face towards her until there was no air between them.

When the waitress noticed the Styrofoam box that they had left at the table, she grabbed it and made her way through the restaurant and out the door. 

"Sir? Maam?" She called when she spotted Mac from behind. "You forgot your—"

Soon a large pair of hands came snaking up Mac's back, into her hair and down her backside again.

"Oh hell." Anita said. "I'll eat it myself."


End file.
